(Wǒ jué de=I think/I feel) I go backwards and forwards a lot. Not rhythmically, like the way a pendulum goes back and forth. Not quite in cycles, like a toy train going along its tracks, although I do feel like sometimes I’m going round and round… Maybe more like the way a child scribbles on a piece of paper, and the lines sometimes overlap and go everywhere, to the point you no longer know where the starting point was.
Wǒ jué de was the new phrase I learnt today. I’m still uncomfortable using it, and I don’t know when to use it correctly, but I guess I’m still learning. It’s a little sad though, that I’m taking baby-steps learning a language I’m meant to be able to speak fluently. I speak it at home, but at the level Chinese parents would expect from their toddler. In fact, I used to speak a lot better Mandarin as a toddler to me now, who’s an adult. I’ve said so many times how ashamed I am of this fact, but it’s only till now I feel like I’m actually doing something about it and making progress.
Wǒ jué de I go backwards and forwards because sometimes it’s easy to compare past experiences to present ones, or compare two things in general. Have I grown? Have I changed? Or am I still the same person I was when I started off from a certain point in my life, where I decided “from now on I will make an effort to grow”?
Why is it necessary to re-learn words I once knew? Is it okay that sometimes I end up feeling the same way about something, even though I promised myself from previous experience to learn from it? Time may be a linear concept, but wǒ jué de that life is maybe a bit like the scribble a child draws with overlaps and an indeterminable start and finish point.